Another fuzzy Monday

It is Monday, exactly twelve weeks since I have left my job. Twelve weeks of debts mounting up and hopes raised and dashed every week for every job I apply for. I feel that leaving my last job has broadened my horizons, I have had far more interviews for jobs in the industry that I want to go in, but have always been second place to candidates that matched the criteria better, the good thing no one gives me criticism and I always leave on good terms- no hard feelings, its business. Within 3 months I have applied at least for 265 jobs, 45 said no, 207 never got back to me and 13 gave me an interview, some which I’m still waiting for the outcome. I’m abit of a nerd, I have created a spreadsheet to store all the details of all jobs I have applied for, when, who, what, where, how much etc, it is useful. I won’t lie, when I have spent a long time on an application, cover letter and all that to only be told ‘Sorry we won’t be taking you further’ or not getting back to me at all, I feel that I am wasting my time. My Mum has said to ‘I think you trying too hard, I have heard the average person gets 1 interview for every 100 jobs they go for’ astounding I know, to think that only 1 interview for 100! But I replied that I had worked out that for me for every 20 jobs I applied for I would get 1 interview which is lucky, and majority of the companies are amazing.

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So how is life going? Im trying to look on the bright side which is hard sometimes.  It’s not going well. 1. The job centre who referred me to some recruitment advisors decided to sanction my claim after I missed a first aid course- I had a health scare, I found a pea sixed lump on my breast and after having a grandmother who died of cancer I had totally freaked out and was convinced I had breast cancer myself. Thankfully, after tests it was a cyst which has gradually decreased in size. So, no money coming in. 2. It is Christmas in two weeks’ time and I haven’t the money to buy gifts, I have instead been borrowing some off my parents, in fact they have kindly lent me a lot to pay for the basic stuff I need like tights, shampoo, conditioner. It really is dreadful to ask for money when I should have my own. My dad works really hard and I feel guilty that I cannot help 3. One of my cats died suddenly of a heart attack, I was pretty heart broken. He was a pedigree cat and only three years old, one Friday morning he was sitting by the window falling a asleep then with one jolt fell to the floor had a convulsion. I tried to restart his heart and he slowly came round, but I can never forget the way he looked at me, he was conscious and didn’t know what was going on. My hand was on his heart, it felt like it was vibrating then all of the sudden it when so fast it made like pop sound and he was gone. 4. On the 11th will be 2 years since Tillie my 13 year old King Charles Cavalier has passed away, the pain of her leaving was unbelievable. 5. Mum had an accident on the bus when a woman walked out into the road with a baby and the bus had to make an emergency stop, my mum was flung half way across the bus, with internal damage being done. I have been looking after her but underneath I am scared that the doctors will find something more serious when they do the scans.6.My previous job was readvertised with double the money and different title, it was given to a man who used to be a missionary. I am pleased for him and I really do wish him well, he has a great family. 7. The job I used to have was at the heart of the community and I suppose leaving immediately after my concerns about quite a few things got pushed aside made me realise who are genuinely nice people. I have been snubbed by the majority of the people who I once worked with and customers which I assume my manager had the delight in stirring up. 8. My home, it is full of mould and the housing association wont treat it. They sold our flat to the neighbour who now has 13 cctv’s and installed doors, it is a prison more than anything. He is very two faced, he suggested that the housing association rehouse us so he can have the flat but the housing association said no, now they are trying to get us out with a notice of seeking possession and the reason….We don’t cut our grass every week even during the autumn and winter.


So, On one hand I’m hoping that something will work out. Miracles can happen and who knows, someone might want to do a flat exchange with us, mum might just have bruising after her accident, I might get a job I enjoy and we all might just have a new year which really is filled with good health and happiness. In the meantime, I will keep trudging along and hope for something good.

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Why can’t my mornings be peaceful ?

Every morning I wake up and within five minutes of getting my brain together I am robotically going about my routine and chores. I don’t enjoy my mornings like I use to. I feel pushed for time. The right atmosphere in the morning really does set the day which is why today I’m not really feelings that great about the day ahead.

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Today I woke up to my Dad moaning about the curtain pole which we put up yesterday falling down overnight, My Mum starts going on the defensive saying she thought he was implying she did it then it went on as He wanted her to go away forever and she wanted him to drop dead. All before 7.30am. The two whine so much that I become annoyed and irritated.

There are days I start my day really well then when I get to work my manager moans, literally about anything and everything. It could be I did something not up to her expectations, someone else did, the weather isn’t right, the roads aren’t right, practically nothing is right.

Or even more so when you travel anywhere in the morning. It’s a total nightmare, the roads are a disaster, the trains are delayed and people packed on like sardines in a tin, buses drive past without stopping or never arrive, taxi waiting time is 90 minutes. Even when you plan right down to the tiniest detail if your morning something goes wrong.

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I often wonder if I structure my day properly would I get some joy out of mornings instead of pressure all the time. Some days I wake up and I’m in a happy mood when bickering parents to buses that never arrive can’t bring me down but today I’m just not feeling it.

At last sunshine!

The weather in the UK today has treated us to some sunshine at last but its now humid, it seems that the weather in the UK can’t make up its mind.  After all the rain during the week, all the plants, weeds and brambles in my garden have grown rather substantially within a couple of days. I ended up going about my garden trimming all the plants to make it look rather presentable again. My garden is quite large and takes a lot of time to maintain.

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We have a wild and natural garden, I suppose you can imagine it to be something out of ‘The secret garden’. We have so many flowers and plants and most of all wildlife. A new addition recently has been a baby squirrel. He visits during the afternoon and quite happily plays around and eats whilst all the birds go about their business. Our fox which visits everyday has been taking extra food as she has three fox cubs. We were lucky enough to have a glimpse at them the other day and they are so cute! Unfortunately, we have a neighbour next to us who on purposely sets his dog on the fox (she is the third generation. Her grandmother who was sadly hit by a car in 2016, then her mother died in 2017 after the neighbour put up a trap in its den at the bottom of the garden), which makes me so annoyed as living near on the country side you would expect such wildlife, after all we have no livestock. Foxes only kill when they are hungry, and we always make sure that our fox has plenty to eat.

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We are fortunate to have a variety of birds visiting our garden too! You can hear the birds most of the time singing their little hearts out. My garden is a place where you can feel at one with nature.

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Pushing myself too far ?

Go back to a few months ago, I wanted to work in the city with a job for a well-known company. I wanted to be able to say that I work in the city, in my mind I would finally make it in life, that I was someone. Yes, in the city anything is possible. In the city you can do anything you want to do. I always knew that working in the city meant some sacrifice on my part. I have friends who work in the city, doing the job they want but are rather lonely. Their parents are dead or estranged. They rarely see their family and their friends are scheduled in advance into their rota as they have such a busy life. They go and do things alone, they see films alone, they eat alone, they go to tourist attractions alone. Not to say that all people who work and live in the city are lonely but the majority of my friends who do are lonely. They do things alone then post all over social network, where is the face to face interaction.

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For the past few weeks I have been thinking about my life in general. We stress out now about the slightest of things. We are so blind that we do not see what we have in front of us or that we lose sight of what we have. I always said I wouldn’t lose sight of it, but it seems that I had, I just didn’t realise it.

I stress myself out with getting the perfect job, the perfect qualifications, the perfect social life, keeping an interesting social network to gain more followers and interest. It always must be perfect. But what is perfection? Everyone’s definition is different because individuals are meant to be different. Not once in my list if perfection did I mention my family or close friends, I simply took them for granted.

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Being someone in my late 20s, I feel that life is a pressure. When you are 16 you think you have all the time in the world and by the age of 25 you would be settled in a career. Then when you get to 25, you are wiser and realise that life got in the way and extend it to 30- that’s when I will be settled into a career but I had not questioned whether the job I already have suits me for now.

We are told at an early age, ‘unless you are a millionaire you are going to work most of your life until you reach retirement. You work to earn money, to keep a roof over your head, bills paid and food on the table. You can do anything you want to do in life’. I guess if you put your mind to it and make sacrifices you can do anything, but seeing as life is so precious and time is of the essence are the sacrifices necessary?

My question is do we really need what we want? Once we have what we want to do we feel better about ourselves? Will our lives drastically change? Will we be happier? I doubt it, maybe a sense of achievement but I would still be the same as I was before. Ambition is a good thing but when it pressures someone to the extent that they are feeling under pressure all the time that it affects you at work, in your free time, family time then that would be the time to evaluate your life.  Trying to do too many things at once will cause any person into over load mode.

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Some days, I think that I have the perfect life. So yes, there are aspects of it that are far from perfect but right in this very moment not thinking of tomorrow or yesterday I realise that right at this moment I am healthy, safe, contented and most importantly surrounded by love. Yes, I have ambitions but bearing in mind that they are within reason and there is time for the most important things. I realise that we can all leave our mark in the world, we can all lead happy lives if we can be true to ourselves, be honest, have an equal balance of work-relax-study and reflection.

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